The statistics are grim: 50% of marriages end in divorce.
It's a number that strikes fear into the hearts of many couples, yet the question remains: why? Why does something that’s birthed as a beautiful, passionate union too often transform into painful separation?
The story of these marriages follows a predictable trajectory of stages: from the intoxicating rush of romance to the harsh realities of everyday life, and eventually, the unraveling of the connection.
This post, will explore the stages of marriage, how unmet expectations and unresolved pain can lead to divorce, and most importantly, how you can break the cycle and create a healthier, more harmonious relationship.
It’s not always easy, but it’s certainly possible with the right tools and mindset.
The Honeymoon Phase: Romance and the Lavish Wedding
The beginning of the relationship is nothing short of magical. The honeymoon phase is characterized by intense passion, excitement, and love.
Couples are on their best behavior, bringing out the best in each other. They make big promises to each other, often envisioning a life filled with joy, stability, and adventure.
The wedding itself is the ultimate expression of this fantasy—a lavish affair that often feels like something out of a fairytale.
There’s a collective cultural obsession with the idea of a perfect wedding, where the couple is the center of attention, and the celebration often looks like it was based on the union of royalty.
Everything is grand, emotional, and full of hope.
But as beautiful as this phase is, it's also short-lived. The deeper work in a marriage has yet to begin and the next, more difficult chapter is approaching.
The Reality of Marriage: Bills, Children, and the Loss of Romance
The glow of the wedding fades as husband and wife transition into the "next stage;” the reality of day-to-day life.
The honeymoon phase gives way to stress, mundane responsibilities, and challenges for which they weren’t fully prepared.
Navigating mortgages, bills, religious or political differences, habits and parenthood—all the while trying to hold onto the love that seemed so effortless in the early days.
The romance starts to crack as the business of life takes over.
Children, aging, health problems, financial pressures, and the constant juggling of responsibilities feels like an onslaught, causing both partners to feel overwhelmed.
The moment the everyday grind
sets in, the relationship often loses its sparkle.
Emotional and physical intimacy begins to wither, replaced by an increasing sense of frustration and resentment.
You start to question whether your partner is the same person you fell in love with.
Stress and Unresolved Trauma: The Ancient Wounds Resurface
But it’s not just the external stressors that create friction. As stress increases, so does the activation of old wounds—the emotional scars from your past.
The things you may have suffered as a child. The unresolved trauma from your upbringing and the wounds you’ve accumulated over the years, all start to resurface in the face of marriage stress.
The simple disagreements about household chores or money management can spiral into full-blown fights when one or both partners feel triggered by these buried ancient wounds.
When this happens, blame becomes the default coping mechanism.
Instead of recognizing that your partner’s actions are triggering something deep inside you—something that existed long before your partner came into your life—the tendency is to blame them for the pain you feel.
The cycle often goes like this:
The Stress: Life gets harder, and the emotional demands of marriage start to take a toll.
The Wounds: Old emotional wounds (anger, insecurity, fear of abandonment, etc.) that have never been fully healed resurface.
The Blame Game: You and your partner, instead of recognizing that your emotional pain is yours to heal, start blaming each other. You might say, "If you were just more understanding, I wouldn’t feel like this."
The Divorce: Over time, these unresolved issues chip away at the relationship. It must be my husband/wife! One day, you or your partner might feel that it's better to leave than to stay in a constant state of emotional turmoil.
The ironic thing is, divorce often leads to a repetition of the cycle. You may end up in another relationship with the same unresolved wounds, and the same emotional dynamics may play out again.
You might choose a new partner who seems to offer the promise of a fresh start, only to find yourself in the same patterns of conflict and discontent.
The Alternative Path: Healing Your Past and Transforming Your Relationship
But there is another way.
Instead of continuing to repeat the cycle of blame and pain, you can use this challenging time in your relationship as an opportunity for healing. If you want a truly different, more fulfilling partnership, it begins with you.
President Kennedy famously said in the 1960’s: “Ask not what your country can do for you and ask what you can do for your country.”
Substitute “my parter” for my country and you get the idea!
Here’s the hard truth: No one can heal your wounds for you. The key to breaking the cycle of dysfunction in relationships is to first look inward and address your own unresolved issues.
As a hypnotherapist who works with couples, I often find that the most transformative work happens not when the couple is focusing on changing each other, but when each partner does the hard, deep work on themselves.
The tools I use to help individuals heal include techniques like hypnosis, havening and coaching, and other deep healing modalities that allow clients to access and resolve old traumas.
When you heal your emotional wounds, your reactions to stress will shift. For example, when your partner says something that used to trigger your anger, you won’t immediately go into fight-or-flight mode. Your deeper, old wounds will no longer control your reactions.
By healing your past, you break the old patterns and allow yourself to respond with calmness, compassion, and emotional maturity.
This will naturally create a healthier, more harmonious relationship. Instead of reacting from a place of old pain, you can begin to co-create a future with your partner.
Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street
When working with couples in crisis, I often tell them: “Clean up your side of the street”.
Focus on that which you can control—your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
When both partners do this, it changes the entire dynamic of the relationship. It’s no longer about blaming the other person for your pain but about taking responsibility for your own emotional landscape.
This isn’t about being perfect or never having conflict again. It’s about being aware of your triggers and patterns, and learning how to heal them.
When you do this, your relationship will naturally transform into a healthier, more balanced, and more fulfilling connection.
Conclusion: A New Relationship Awaits
Divorce rates may be high, but that doesn’t mean it’s inevitable. The challenges that come with marriage can be an opportunity for growth—if both partners are willing to look within and do the deeper work necessary to heal their emotional wounds.
The honeymoon phase is beautiful, but the real magic happens when you and your partner create a relationship based on understanding, healing, and mutual respect.
This is your chance to not only save your relationship but to evolve into the best version of yourself. By doing so, you’ll experience a new, vibrant partnership that’s undoubtedly more fulfilling than the first.
Feel free to reach out to me to discuss how we can use these concepts and this work to help transform your relationship.
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